Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
