so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
