Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize