It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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