Where is the hickey?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
last night I used snow as a chaser
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
