Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize