Apparently you make a good broom.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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