The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Where is the hickey?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
