Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
