You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
