I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
