nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
