you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
