thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
