if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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