u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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