had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
