I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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