I just threw up on my dentist
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
