I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm eating all of the evidence.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize