there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
