Just fell off a train. Bad.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
