dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize