I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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