So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
