Life is so much better after having sex.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
