a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My pussy is not your playground.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
