When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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