I can text with my tongue
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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