i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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