1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
