I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
