I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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