I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
