wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
