I love having hate sex.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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