I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
