Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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