Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Randomize
