If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
