I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
