This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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