her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
