then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
