When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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