How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
