Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I wish you could order shots online.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
