You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
