I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
