I hate your face
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
