Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
