I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
