I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
