so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
