even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
do herpes really smell.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
