I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
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