Did you just see the Batmobile???
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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