VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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