I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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