so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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