I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
