my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
