You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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