Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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