Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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