I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
