he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
