Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
