im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
