Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
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