Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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