I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
