It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
